cervidaze

my maternal grandmother passed away softly yesterday at 1:47 am. she gave us a lot of time to make peace with it.

i made it out finally.

january has left me particularly dormant. my seasonal depression has been hitting me later and later into the winter with every year, and i think my transition to the new year was especially rough this time.

i was inspired by seeing aid's recent post where she breaks down the layout of her website and thought i should write one of my own—both to document my code and also to offer troubleshooting to those who may have the same extremely specific coding issues…

this month has been kind to me. my girlfriend and i went to san diego for a much needed respite from our usual obligations. everything was great up until the point where i caught COVID despite taking as many precautions as i could. it's the first time i c…

my workplace won't let me die. i've experienced four waves of layoffs in the one year and ten months i've been here now, and i haven't been laid off a single time. my coworkers (or i guess former coworkers now) were so happy to leave and finally be able to

i'm alive and i have made it to the end of july. i'm about eight weeks post-op from top surgery. my girlfriend and i recently celebrated four years together. my band is recording our first album. lots of things to wait for and lots of things to look forwa…

i haven't been extremely online lately—mostly because my cats get extremely upset when i keep myself in the office for too long. it's been about half a year since i've basically left all social media, and it's been quiet. i also ran out of online distract…

lately, i've been making an effort to remove myself from as many google products as possible. i made the browser switch from chrome to firefox about two years ago, but it wasn't until i saw a post by ykreborn that i decided to start migrating the rest of…

i had my friend sign my will and advance directive a few weeks ago. it wasn't for any particular reason. i just wanted to have them ready in case anything were to suddenly happen and make me unable to speak for myself.

it has been a while since i've updated about anything in regards to my life. it would be insane to try to list it all out here since a good six months have elapsed since my last post, but i guess i can still try.

I can’t help but mention my mother in everything.

Another sleepless night—I switched from melatonin to magnesium, but it can only do so much.

Something I've been thinking about recently is how my dad has always been recording home videos of my sister and I.

I turn 23 in less than a month.

When I visited my mom in the hospital after the surgeon removed her entire reproductive system, she was barely conscious and used whatever strength she had left to ask about my girlfriend's health.

The sun is setting at 5 pm now, but I didn’t notice until this week because I’ve been waking up at 3 pm these past few days.

Our odds have slightly improved.

When I was 16 and didn't know what depressive episodes were, I bought a self-help book titled How to Be Happy (Or at Least Less Sad).

This break is taking a bit longer than I’d like.

I allow myself one herbal cigarette per month.

OUR STILLNESS was a writing project I began when I was 16 years old in my sophomore year of high school, back when I had too many thoughts to write down and not enough of an audience to read them.

I was hoping that life would be a little calmer by now, but my hopes seem to be a bit crushed for the time being—my doctor inexplicably denied my Zoloft refill right before I only had a couple days’ worth left.