Steve Whiting - Whiteink Biscuit Barrel

- Serb: "NEV!

Can I phone yuo on an iPhone Duo?

- Actor: *walks into the audition room, naked, sporting a massive stiffy* - Director: "O.

- Man: *walks up to Dyson Airblade* - Man: *puts hands into hand dryer* - Hand Dryer: *instead of blowing warm air, plays the theme tune to Airwolf*

[The fact that only a select handful of people will get this pun makes it all the more thrilling for me to publish.]

Back in August, I wrote about a collective effort, humans (AKA Meat Protocol) who work to smash the machine yet do it discretely, from within.

- Chair: And now we move onto item six on the agenda, a motion to create a new HTTP Response Code: 328 - Did I Mention That I'm A Vegan.

Save money by not having ushers at your marriage ceremony.

"I am only the way I am now because of the staggering amount of jam I pumped-up during the late 1980s."

"I'm Evri woman, I've lost your package."

"May your functions receive valid parameters."

I am, once more, reading and finding myself falling-into and buying-into Weaving The Web by Tim Berners-Lee: Hope in life comes from the interconnections among all the people in the world.

Dear Caffe Nero I've a suggestion to help you massively improve the customer experience in your outlet in Central Milton Keynes shopping centre.

- Frances Spooner: "Hello darling, I'm home!"

Suggestion: instead of Rage Against The Machine, I should like to form a society named Meat Inside The Machine.

- Customer: "I'm finding it really difficult to identify the paint finish I need.

When ppl ask me about the origin of my crew name, I tend to show them this:

"Order is just chaos exercising patience."

Talk about, slop music.

- Patient: "Doctor, Doctor!

- Major Stare: "Major Look."

Today, I am all about the faux taupe Olly Murs.

Michael Bublé's name means Michael breast milk.

You see, I can't help but think that all this started to go to rat shit as soon as Dr Snuggles stopped dreaming of a better tomorrow.

- Me: "I went on a training run tonight, out beyond the north of Luton, so that my social media guy could shoot some video for my new kit sponsor." - He: "Asics?"

The 3m square on the hypotenuse.

- Serg: " … " - [time passes] - Serg: "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be looking at.

I tried to write an anagram that almost spelt disaster.

I said Reverend Spooner's felly smart.

Let's keep it in its proper perspective. x

I before E except after seize.

- Advertising Copywriter: "I wrote a line about a mid-day meal but it lacked punch."

IDEA: A liquid face cream for actors that, upon application, turns greasy and gelatinous.

I'm sending you this message via my website, instead of printing it and sending it to you in the mail, because my printer is out of yellow wink

Knowing how to play truant is a sing of a misspelt youth.